Wednesday, September 23, 2009

' Sissy! Tum on! '

My Mom called one day last week. I told her the girls were in ‘school’. I think it freaked her out a little…or maybe it totally made her sad. She said, ‘they are too young for school’.

And, of anyone, I total agree.

The Good News. It’s really Mothers Morning Out. It’s 3 hours. AND, the director of the program and I share a philosophy about children.

That they should be That.


So the girls go to ‘school ‘.

Evelyn is in the 2K class 2 mornings/week. Carlisle is in the 3K class 3 morning/week.

They get to wear backpacks. They play. They read. They learn. They dress up. They have snack time. They make friends. They go out and play on the playground.

Needless to say, they absolutely LOVE it. And, Brian and I are happy.

It is SUCH a ministry to our family.

Last year they sent home a postcard. It said, every week we pray for one of the families in our school program…this week we prayed for you, your girls and your family.

I’m seriously holding my breath. I am afraid that wild and wooly Evelyn is going to get kicked out. So far, so good. On her VERY FIRST day of school EVER, I dropped them off. We kissed, said goodbyes, and Evelyn started up the stairs. Over her shoulder she was saying LOUDLY to her sister, who had turned to wave bye to me…’ Tum on Sissy! Tum on! ‘….’SISSY! Tum ON!’

This made me hyena-laugh. I’m seriously, sitting alone, in front of the computer, wiping my eyes…and…hyena-laughing….

11 Step Program for People Who Want Kids

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2 ~ Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, an d overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the
last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3 ~ A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and
be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4 ~ Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5 ~ Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh..
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6 ~ Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Tele tubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the
level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


jord,ali,hal,kam and grae too! said...

Your writing all my thoughts! LOVE IT!!! Just tonight I said "this would work so much better if you would stop bouncing up and down in the high chair everytime I get the spoon near your face!" Most of the green beans made it up her nose I think!

Jennifer said...

Whenever I say that my girls are at "school", I imply the quotation marks with my voice or fingers. I know it's so good for all of us and they go to a wonderful place, but it still feels strange.

The 11 steps had me cracking up despite trying not to wake anyone! Do you mind if I repost them?

Jennie said...

Jennifer, You can totally repost them. I think they are sooooo funny! It makes all Mama's feel normal, and gives us a chuckle! :)

Megan's Munchkins said...

that was the funniest thing I have read today!! I especially love the family car scene...I might just have to steal this!! oh, the school pics are cute as well..tum on, tum on!!

PrincessandthePea said...

Wow! You hit the nail on the head! I love all the lessons, especially Lesson 11. "Mommy" just echoes in my house. Can I add that the recording should be in each room of the house and every time you enter that room, and at the exact moment you enter that room, you will hear at least one "Mommy" and sometimes two or three in sync. Also, lesson number 6 helped me to relax a little about the state of my van... Looks like I'm not the only one with spilt (fill in the blank) all over the floors and seats. :) Thanks for the laughs, Jennie!

The Beckhams said...

I wandered onto your blog through Emily Hicks' blog. I love it!!! So inspiring and this particular post is great. I'm a first time mom and just learning these things.

Justin and Marketa said...

Ok, yea, this so doesn't want me to have kids even more. I like my life just the way it is now.