Monday, February 08, 2010

You knit me together...

It’s 3:30am. I am wide-awake.

So unusual, for the girl who sleeps like a rock. But because I am 38 weeks and thinking of this baby girls arrival constantly…I guess it’s just part of being at the end of a long pregnancy.

My contractions are getting stronger everyday and more contractions per day. Maybe I have 20 in day, but sometimes I have 40. Depends. But there is no regular pattern. So I just dream of the day that I hold this girl that I carry on the inside…on the outside. She is measuring 2 weeks behind, which all of the girls have. And all looks great according to the doctor.

F or now, it seems, time is creeping along. Soon the baby girl will be here and it will FLY again. And then, I will want it to slow DOWN again. Like the way I feel about how time is FLYING for these other girls that God has given me. Now FOUR and 2 ½ years old. Unbelievable.

I find myself looking at their old pictures. Even just from last summer…the summer before. Brian walks in the room and I sit him down in front of the computer. Together we look at the pictures of last summer, the summer before. Then we both marvel at how they change in a year.

Then, we get the overwhelming feeling of gladness… that we get to do it all over again with baby Vivian. We KEEP saying how glad we are that this isn’t it...there’s more to come. Another whole baby.

Evelyn has become such a big girl. Communicating like a 3 year-old and she has sprouted these long slender legs that just make her seem so grown up. Our baby is about to be a big sister.

This week we pass by a huge day in the history of our family. An anniversary of the day that we met Grace. Wednesday is February 10th. The day our first baby, Grace, was born and died. Sometimes, the pain of that past is too great to even contemplate. It just brings too much emotional pain. It feels like too much loss. Too many tears. Too much hurt.

And yet, the pain of the years gone by…the five years gone by, have brought me to know my Savior so much more than I did. Though weak at heart sometimes, Jesus knows that I believe, ‘It was WORTH THIS, that I know Jesus MORE.’

I am in a stage of pleading with the Lord. That he safely deliver baby Vivian…but pleading that it be on ANY day other than Wednesday, February 10th.

I talked it over with Brian. He feels the same way. But we are not alone. God is in control of this situation. That’s our comfort. God chose Grace’s birthday 5 years ago, just as he has chosen Vivian’s.

I want to say I never worry about this pregnancy ending in such a horribly final way, like the pregnancy with Grace. But I’d be a liar. I am clinging to scripture knowing that worrying is truly no help. Phillipians 4:6 ‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with PRAYER and petition, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of GOD, which transcends ALL understanding, will guard your mind in Christ Jesus.’

And, Proverbs 12:25 ‘An anxious heart weighs a man down…’

And, Psalm 139:13 ‘For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb.’

She is moving more in the womb than any of the other 3 girls. All through the day and night. Even some while I am teaching aerobics. I hoping that she will be so worn out from all her gymnastics that she will be REALLY sleepy when she arrives. And if she’s not, we’ll be ok with that too.

I think tonight is going to be my last aerobics class. I get asked all the time what it is like to teach aerobics 9 months pregnant. Well, the contractions during class are pretty intense. So, I think I’ll just settle in to wait for her arrival…

Brian just woke up. He said, my typing is annoying him. Maybe now is a good time to ask for a laptop? …. Um…I’ll wait til he has some coffee instead.

THE SWEETHEART BALL ~ Just Daddy and his two year old, Evelyn

Brian: look soo beautiful...where you going Evelyn?

Carlisle: I think she's going to the ball!

Brian: Where you going Ev??

Me: To the Sweetheart BALL!

Daddy: Evelyn, Where you going tonight with Daddy?

Evelyn: I'm going to Jitsu.....Noooo?

Of course, they were early. Some of the first ones there.
They began dancing while the other girls and Daddy's were still arriving...
They danced until they were both so tired and sweaty that Brian said there was
no way they could do a picture together. Too sweaty...


He said he just followed her lead...

They'd be dancing and she'd say: 'Let's get some treats.'
And they would.
Then they'd be eating and she'd say: 'Let's dance.'
And they would...leaving the plate full of food.

They slow danced.
They fast danced.
He held her tight and together they twirled and twirled.

HIS favorite memory from the night?

Holding her, spinning to the music...she raised both her little hands in the air and she giggled. And she laughed...and she laughed...the entire 3 minute song...

Finally, her little two year-old body had enough.

She just literally laid down on the floor.
Brian asked her if she wanted to go out for a scoop of ice cream, to end the night.

Her answer?
'No, I just want to go home...'

He scooped up his baby...who will only be 'the baby' for another day or 2, maybe a week or 2...and he brought his little angel home.


Meanwhile, me and my girls celebrated the impending arrival of Vivian.
Thank you for the super special evening, and for loving ME.


Rebecca said...

LOVE the pics of Evelyn and Brian! praying for God's perfect timing of Vivian's arrival. Glad you had a fun evening with your girl friends... I would have LOVED to have been there!

The Hawkinson Gang said...

Praying for you today!!