I am compelled to worship Jesus Christ, tell others about Him and love Him fully. I'm a Homeschooling, Husband adoring, Mama of girls. Daughter Grace, in heaven, 9 year-old daughter Carlisle, 8 year-old daughter Evelyn, 5 year-old daughter Vivian, and 3 year-old daughter Eleanor Bliss and 8 month old Genevieve.
I have had much tragedy in my life, but have found Jesus is my EVERYTHING. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Neh 8:10
Monday, March 04, 2013
A new day.
It's a new day.
I have a very full heart. Full of the good, and the bad. Ready to pop. I've been stockpiling memories of these last days, weeks, months.
Sitting here, for me, is a release. My heart opens up and I get to empty my life out, as my fingertips fly across the keyboard. I'm one of those... never looking at my hands, just letting it all down on the letters on the keyboard. And good stuff happens...as my heart gushes out, it makes room for the next events, stories, experiences and life. It's a release this blogging therapy session. So I've also decided, when I don't blog, that's bad. Either I'm too busy or too tired, or too something. I need to make the time.
This past break was on purpose. I took an intentional break from blogging. I received some hurtful scrutiny. Some yucky stuff was said to me. So I backed up to analyze. I wanted to have a little break to see if there was truth in the accusations. And I've decided that there is an upside of blogging. Sharing my life... encouraging people I don't know, and do know, to seek the Lord. Sharing practical living with 4 little girls and how to love a husband well. It's a safe place for me.
And there's a down side. Sharing my life...which opens me up for scrutiny. The critical people are the opposite of this life I'm living with a bunch of sweet girls. And I've decided they can keep disliking it, and me, if they want to. I'm going to keep on blogging. :)
The sun isn't shining today. It's a 2 cup-of-coffee type-of-day. It's cold and rainy and kind of grey and gloomy. The girls are still in pj's. We all cuddled on the sofa for an hour or two this morning instead of getting going with school like we normally do. Brian was here too. We were all so happy to just be still. And to be tangled up with our soft blankets and not have anywhere we had to be. And be together. I told Carlisle that it was 37 degrees...if it were only a few degrees less, all that rain would be snow . Her eyes searching mine....she said, 'I dreamed about snow. I want it to snow. Let's pray about it. God can make it just a few degrees colder.' Yes, that's true. And she prayed. Like only Carlisle can. Childlike. Honest. True. With faith. And confidence. And grit. Boldly approaching the throne room with her request of snow. He heard her. And for the record, I hope he answers too.
It's been 6 months since I've held my Mom's soft hand. Six months. Six months since I've gotten to call just to tell her funny stories about her precious granddaughters. Six months since I've simply heard her voice. I was driving home from the gym the other day and I had an OVERWHELMING desire to hear her voice. It was a fleeting, irrational thought. Her number was still in my phone in the list under Favorites, so before I knew what happened...I pushed her name on my phone. I dialed it. I knew her voicemail wouldn't pick up. I know that. It was compulsive. I couldn't stop myself.
Of course, she didn't pick up. Her voicemail didn't pick up. No one was there.
30 seconds later a person texted.
At the top of the text is my Mom's name. And there is a text from 'her'. It said....
'Who are you calling?'
Of course I didn't say. 'My Mom.'
I just cried.
And texted, 'Sorry, I have the wrong number.'
A mother needs her mother. Its by design.
I hear her in my own voice sometimes when I say certain things. I think of her. I want to know what she would say 'worked' when she was raising us girls. I think back on some things, her decisions, the way she did things... and they are starting to make since to me. I see now where she gave her life away to us. Where she lived selflessly.
When the girls find me in the morning and climb into my lap just wanting to be close, and when I make breakfast after breakfast, meal after meal, do load after load of laundry...when I do head after head after head of hair...pony tail for this one, bow for that one, pulled back do for that one....or when I get them snuggly into bed at night and tell stories and prayers, as I brush the hair out of their eyes and tuck them in tight, with every boo-boo I kiss...I remember her doing these things for me. And I realize more and more just how MUCH my Mom loved me.
(Went shopping with this little cutie...incognito. Totally flying under the radar. No one even noticed us.)
This little sweet one was so happy to be out and about one on one with me that on our drive to the mall she said.... 'Mommy, Isn't the world just so pretty?' A few minutes later... 'How about we sing and praise the Lord.' She was on a one-on-one with Mommy high. ~
I have a friend. So cute. A new Mama. She has a 1 year old and a 3 year old.
She asked me recently about the logistics. 'I just don't understand how you get it all done.' I think I probably laughed. I'm not sure I even answered her, but I think I've got an idea. Of how I get it all done.
It's all heart. I have no energy left. It's heart that keeps me going.
Motherhood isn't for lovers of sleep.
Oh. And I NEVER get it all done.
(Carlisle reading to the sissy's.)
These little girls love night time stories. Especially the 'tell-me-about-when-you-were-a-little-girl' stories. So I tell them. And they listen quietly. Girls talk...a lot. At least mine do. But for those few minutes...all is quiet in that bedroom. And they listen intently.
It's been a great week, topped by a special night of raising money for the unborn. Brian was asked to MC the evening. He's such a natural. And I got to talk about our Grace.
We are still going through stuff at my Mom's house.
She never threw away a thing.
I always find treasures. I found my bridal veil. From my wedding. In a box. Kind of just tossed in with all baby dolls. Which makes me feel a little tender. Like why is everything so haphazard. But that doesn't matter any more. So we are like miners searching for gold nuggets and we find them.
I found my wedding portrait. in a box. Tucked under a bunch of stuff. I brought it home and framed it. I knew the girls would love it. They do. Lots of 'how did you and daddy get engaged? Where were you? What did he say? What did you say?' It's a link to our past... before them.
I'm in my happy place. I have a diet mountain dew and a bag of Sprees. My laptop. And nothing to do. ha. That's not exactly true. I've got a lot I could do. Just choosing not to do it. Life is moving along. And quick. My safe place is to sit down and document it.
Here is a trip to Hilton Head last month....
The three older girls...best of friends, thick as thieves.
The real reason I succeed. Brian. The role of father to him means do'er of EVERYTHING. Helper in all ways. And when I am dying of tiredness, he seems to have energy enough for us both. There's nothing he's intimidated by. EVER. And I mean that. Today he got a home done pedicure by two adoring girls. He set the boundary first. 'No polish.' Then he laid down on the bathroom floor, sent one of the girls to get him a pillow. And they giggled and filed and rubbed and scrubbed and buffed his feet for an hour. Maybe more. When he finally stood up, he chuckled and said, 'Girls that was great! Thank you so much. We can do that anytime.'
Our absolutely precious baby is 10 months. We adore this stage.
School is flying. They are learning so much.
And still dancing when we take a break. :)
Kindergarten spelling test...
And homeschool field trips to the Library on sunny days.
Daddy Daughter Dance 2013.
This girl is after my own heart. She loves sparkle. Turbo sparkle. It came out of a spray can. She loved it.
And this little one didn't want any.
Some cursive letters are easier to learn than others....
The night we ran out and saw Willie Nelson. Ridiculously fun.
And...The night they ran out for her birthday date.
(Me and mini Me) :)
And THE haircut they have been asking for. For MONTHS.