Monday, January 09, 2012

Colossal dependance on the King

(Audio for 1 Peter biblestudy is in the small box above. Give it a minute or so to load. While you are waiting, you may want to go ahead and turn off the music at the bottom of the blog.)

I have a desperate need for God. He is meeting me everrrry moment. And I am spending more time with him now in my life, than I EVER have before. 

'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' Jeremiah 29:13

There's an old hymn, 'I need thee every hour...every hour I need thee....' It was one of those songs I grew up with in church. I'll betcha I sang it lots, but I can't seem to remember the rest of the words. That's me, that's how I feel...only, 'I need thee every SECOND...every second I need thee.'

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A month or so ago, God put a burden on my heart to do a conference call bible study. I felt confident I was to partner with other women to lead it, since I will be giving birth at the end of 2 more months. 

Fast forward a month, to now. I am leading a Conference call bible study on the book of 1 Peter with some of my favorite girls, Mellette and Stephanie. They were overjoyed and PUMPED up to do it. They are each so in love with the Lord, and gifted in sharing their hearts and the heart of GOD.  

If you are not involved in the Conference call bible study, and you have a desire to KNOW God more…or if you feel convicted to STUDY your bible…or if you want to learn to READ your bible, THIS STUDY IS absolutely designed with YOU in mind. 

We are studying the entire BOOK of 1 Peter. We are moving at a solid and steady pace. We will be covering 7 verses per week. Which gives everyone the opportunity to learn, memorize and meditate on ONE verse per day. 

We began the bible study on Sunday. The three of us each shared our testimonies and Ashley did an incredible job of giving an overview of the book, as a whole. 

I've led a few conference call bible studies before. And one of the unbeatable parts of a conference call bible study is the EASE of it all. You can call in, wearing your jammies, or listen to the recording later, or throughout the week, from any one of a number of places we have the audio posted. Facebook, my blog, Stephanie's blog. And if you are listening to the recording, you can stop and start as much or as often as you want. 

If you are on Facebook, go to the 'Good Soil Girls' group, all information and an incredible growing network of all the participants is there. That is where you can post your thoughts and questions. If you aren't on Facebook, the information is also listed below.

The fruit that I am seeing from this study is astonishing. And we are on week number ONE. There are hundreds of girls that are hearing this message. Many are calling to listen 'Live' to the calls on Sunday night + girls listening to the recording on Facebook + girls listening to recording at the top of my blog. 

ALL Glory to GOD.

If you want to do the Bible Study, ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS…

1. Sunday night at 5 minutes till 9:00, call the number:

2. Enter the 6 digit code: 
    452 496

Preparing for this bible study has been one of the most committed and life-changing things I've done in years. I am finding infinite blessing. I am Homeschooling these girls, and studying the Word of God. And not a whole lot more. 
I. Am. Getting. It. 
They. Are. Getting. It. 
We love to memorize scripture, but we typically don't do gargantuan chunks at one time. This time, we are.

There is no way they can move at the pace that the women in the study will move, memorizing 1 verse a day, but they have already almost nailed two verses in the first 2 days, of the first week. And they are learning crazy 'hard' words, for a 4 and 5 year old, like resurrection. They are little sponges. It is hard work. And the reward is TREMENDOUS. HUGE. Heavenly.  

I remind them that they are not reciting these verses for me, but for God himself! 'My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the KING.' Psalm 45:1

Can't wait to share more of what happens in and through this study. 

I will be teaching on the first 7 verses of 1 Peter this Sunday at 9:00. Call in and listen. It's 1 hour. No more. No less. 

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I have avoided the doctors office. In the beginning, I guess us pregnant girls go for a doctors visit every month or so and then as you move into the second trimester every 3 weeks, by the time you get to 7 months, where I am, you go every 2 weeks and then at the very end, it's every week.

Well, I haven't been to the doctor in almost 4 months. Until today.

I always feel... (trying to think of word and insert here) ________ yucky? sad? trapped? fearful? being there. 

I am KEENLY aware of the delicate balance of life and death and the blessing of healthy children vs non-healthy babies. I may not be able to be understood by 95% of Mama's right now…because why would I NOT go to the doctor. But it's actually the other Mama's….the 5% that I am talking to....those of you who have lost babies. EVER. 

It's a trauma that is always with me. I think that I know it is around, but occasionally it surprises me. It rears it's little head and sometimes, just sometimes, catches me off guard.

I go to the OB today. 

I sit a while, waiting to get seen. I get reprimanded by a nurse for not coming in 4 months. Then I sit a little while longer and get reprimanded a different nurse. I want to tell them how bad it stinks for me to even visit the office AT ALL. Once every 4 months seems unbelievably reasonable to a girl like me whose most trauma occurred in the OB's office. 

When I was pregnant with Grace, I lived in a tiny town in SC, the doctor was a young, beautiful sweet girl who showed such compassion for us that she told her nurses when they saw us coming to just let us through the back door. They would find us a waiting room. She had no children but instinctively knew, praise the Lord, that I didn't want to hang out with a bunch of pregnant Mama's with healthy babies in their tummies, in the waiting room. 

But all those years ago, that sweet Doctor would send us every week or two to see the specialist in Charleston. Different story. We would wait forever. And wait with a bunch of Mama's all with different stories but many with situations that were going to end in death. Then they would call me back. I would lay on that table as they did the ultrasound and bawl. They would lay a box of kleenexs there beside me on the table and I would close my eyes and stick my fingers in my ears. I couldn't bear to hear what they were saying. I had seen about 3 dozen too many ultrasounds. 

It was a teaching hospital, so there were always many more than one doctor in the room with me. Always they were kind, always they would ask if it would be ok if they showed these resident doctors my situation and what a cystic hygroma baby looks like in utero, so that they would be able to identify it again in their future practices. I would say, of course, and in would walk anywhere from 2 to 10 students. I couldn't bear to hear the conversations. I couldn't bear to hear the technical terms they used and the truth of the matter. It was living through a nightmare at those offices. The reality hurt so bad. 

So flash forward all these years to today, 7 years later. It seems like I would have found miraculous healing in these years, but I'm thinking these offices will always bring for me a serious sensation of having a mini panic attack.

Doctor comes in a sees me. Measures my stomach, asks me if I feel movement. Asks me out of the corner of his eye why I haven't been there and leaves.

As I walk away from the desk after having just agreed to come back 2 times in the next 2 weeks, the weight, the gravity of being there, of my past loss, of past pain just comes in waves. I am drowning in uncontrollable fear and sadness. By the time I open the door to leave the practice, I am having to bite my lip, by the time I get to the elevator,  tears are about to spring out of my eyes. By the time I get to my car, I put my face in my hands, hang my head and let it out. And then cry all the way home. 

Only 2 months, and a few weeks to go until I meet her and the fear subsides. I love her deliriously.

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Things to remember, just for me:
Brian took the girls fishing a few Sundays ago. The fishing party ended when Evelyn fell in the lake. He couldn't contain his laughter and tried to cover his mouth but they saw his eyes smiling and dancing and fussed at him for laughing at her.

Evelyn says 'yesterday' about everything.
Everything happened 'yesterday'. We went to Disney World 'yesterday'. Daddy took her to the store 'yesterday'. She became a big sister 'yesterday'. 

I suppose sleeping on my stomach is coming to an end. Usually ends at 6 1/2 - 7 months. Since I'm 7 months I can look forward to doing that again in a few months. 

Off to get the girls from Dance class….

Read 1 Peter, see if it tugs at your heart like it's doing mine.


MadHatter said...

In Christian love, I probably shouldn't think about punching the doc or nurses, but what does 1 Peter say about pantsing them? In all love, I do honor your hurt and admire your bravery in going today. Love to you. And this conference call interests me, going to check it out!

Rebecca said...

I am interested in the conference call as well, but I work on Sunday nights. I'm going to check out the facebook page. Would love to listen to the recordings!! Praying for you these last few weeks; hang in there. You will have a beautiful little girl soon!!