Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Submitting to the process

What an amazing last week.

Amazing because I am 4 days from full term and on my feet almost all day every day, bending over a million times, picking up little girls, little dolls, constantly lifting, constantly going. The girls absolutely never tire of bikes, bubbles, sunshine and fun, even when I do. 

When I go to bed every night I think, 'I could totally have this baby tonight.' And it seems so probable. By 9:00pm or so, I am always having contractions that make me take notice. But no, just another night with many, many trips to the bathroom. God knows her birthday. Which makes me really relieved. It's completely his decision. 

The truth is, I didn't have time to have a baby last week. And I mean that. There were a few more things I had to check off my list. And I wasn't ready. I was dreading the labor. Capital D. Like heels in the sand kind of dread. Just not mentally prepared. Hadn't had time to prepare. Had no crib set up. No carseat set up. I spoke to a High School girls church group on Monday. And I was preparing for my message from 1 Peter chapter 3 that I was to deliver on the conference call Sunday night. I had loose ends to tie up. So they are now tied. There's just one thing tomorrow, the last day of co-op. Carlisle has a special tea party that she is over joyed about. And then, done. I think.

So as some of the girls activities are coming to a close, this new chapter for us is gearing up.

It was quiet Monday night. The girls were all long since asleep and I was talking out my thoughts and my deep-felt guts with Brian. He listened so patiently as I told him how I feel about THE impending day coming. The baby's birth day. 

But of course it's not the baby that makes me nervous. It's getting the baby from one side of my body to the other side of my body that makes me nervous. I've done it two ways. With an epidural, and without an epidural. And my preferred method is simply without an epidural. Not because it's better, but because it's better for ME. And certainly and most assuredly, not because it's easier.

I had hoped that, by this point in my life, and after 4 deliveries, that I wouldn't worry about labor and delivery. I mean, really? I kind of know by now how things go... 

And another thing is, I'm not a worrier. I don't worry a whole lot about anything. It's not my personality. But WHEW, when it comes to this day. I do worry. Or maybe it's nerves. Knowing what is to come. 

I tell Brian that I feel feel like I have been pregnant for a VERY long time. 

Brian laughs. The mathematician in him gets the best of him as he says, 'You HAVE been pregnant for a very long time.' And he whips out his phone and comes up with a number. 'You have been pregnant for...1,277 days. If you count all 5 of the pregnancies.'


He texts me this screen shot.

I was joking when I put as my Facebook status, 

You know you are 12 months pregnant when you and your family leave the house, go to Cold Stone Creamery, get ice cream and declare it 'dinner'.

Not joking about the ice cream part. That was all together true. Just about the being 12 months pregnant. 

Someone literally inquired from my BFF, asking about me with concern, since I was in fact 12 months pregnant. 

This pregnancy has been so different. Or at least the end has been so different. 

I am not in a hurry. At least not yet. The other times I was itching to 'get the baby out.' 

So maybe time, age, experience, or something has played a role. 

I am submitting to the process. The process of making an entire human from SCRATCH in my tummy takes a long time. I want to finish well. So maybe the calculator will have another 5 or 7 days on it. When you are talking about numbers into the 1200's. Another few days just doesn't seem to make that big of a difference.

God is not in a hurry. So I am going to take his lead. 

Colossians 3:12
'Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and PATIENCE.'

Galatians 5:22-23'
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.' 

Colossians 1:11
'May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and PATIENCE with JOY...'

Patience with JOY. My tall order for the next day, or 3 days or week.

Carlisle is my least tender one. She's pensive and observant. A LOVER of the Lord. But tender for me and my needs? Definitely not her strongest suit. She has become SO very tender for me. Kissing me and my belly. Multiple times a day. It's been SO fun to watch her grow in compassion and love. She tells me and others that she is soon to be a triple big sister. And she says it oozing joy. 

These little girls couldn't be more excited. (Thanks Delaney for the soccer ball, it's already made it's debut on the blog. Not being kicked around in the back yard. But under Carlisle's shirt.) :) 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

well -- ??!! pining!!!!!