Her reward

Seems like the weather is starting to change. Even if it's only 8 to 10 degrees. We are in the drive-with-our-windows-down-around-town weather. We love it.

Mom died one year ago.

It still hurts. I still cry. I am HEARTBROKEN that I don't have her.

It's tragic.

My sister and I have decided it will actually never feel better.

It was my oldest, Carlisle, that was there alone with my Mom when she breathed her last breaths. Carlisle was 6 years old at the time. Brian and I were on vacation with just our littlest, Bliss, in CA. Click here for the full story....

It's been a year since that day. It's been a year that my old soul'ed little Carlisle watched alone as her grandmother lay in her bed, in her vomit, dying. Carlisle did what we have talked about over and over...in times of need, cry out to the Lord for help.

And she did.

She has talked very openly of those hours alone with my Mom over the past year. She mentions her constantly. Both she and Evelyn do. They knew that their Grandmother was special.

Once Carlisle even said to me: 'Hey Mama, when you are sad about MeMe and Punkin, you can come and talk to me. K?'

And I have.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It was one of the sunsets at the beach last week that I will NEVER forget. For as long as I live.

My life got a little kiss from heaven.

We'd been at the beach all week. Life was GOOD.

It was our last night, so we decided to go back to dinner at our favorite little hole in the wall restaurant. When we got there, it was already full. They asked if we would mind sitting on the roof.

Mind? Um. No. We wouldn't 'mind'.

We wondered why it was still open on the roof...sunshine, incredible views, cool breeze.

So they sat us there overlooking the ocean. It must have been around 6:00 or 6:30. There was a wedding happening on the beach which, of course, was mesmerizing for my girls.

They sat our family at two tall tables. The girls were excited to be outside. Not a care in the world with the wind in their hair. Waves were crashing, kites flying and of course the wedding. They didn't sit much. They were all over the place, switching seats, ooh-ing and ah-ing.

Finally, Carlisle and Brian ended up alone, right across the table from one another.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Carlisle's Baptism.

He and I had been discussing it for months.

She'd been asking to be baptized for months. We hadn't gotten the green light from the Lord. So we waited.

Until now.

Green light from the Lord.

The time was right. And the time was now.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

So there they were across from each other at the table. Brian and Carlisle.

Brian said to her: 'Mommy and I have been talking...Carlisle we would like for you to be baptized.... TONIGHT.'

Carlisle: 'Really Daddy?' Tears filling her eyes.

Silence....pondering the whole situation...

Carlisle: 'Daddy? Who will baptize me?'

Brian: 'I will.'

Carlisle: 'This is the most amazing thing I've ever thought of.'


Brian: (all smiles and tears)

You know how sometimes the real thing isn't nearly as great as you have it in your mind? Like what you plan for and what you hope for just doesn't pan out.

Well, this experience so far surpassed anything I could have dreamed up. The Lord blessed me that day. Carlisle's baptismal day.

I would say that I can count on my two hands, the days that are most special to me. My wedding day, all 5 of my girls days of birth and now this.

We left the restaurant and drove back to the beach house. The sun was setting, it was gorgeous. The heavens were declaring all of the goodness of the Lord. Our windows were down and the girls were singing.

We pulled in the driveway and walked straight out to the beach. We stopped at the dunes to take a few pictures.

I must have been trembling with excitement or my hands were shaking or something because the pictures are all over the place.

All of the girls were aware that something exciting was coming, they were all jittery. They had never been a part of a baptism. So they had no idea what to expect. But they KNEW this was special.

Brian led the way. He had picked the spot already. 

They walked out holding hands. He said as they walked, they didn't say anything. They both took in the moment... looking around at the water, the sunset...

The other girls and I stood watching from the shore. Evelyn videoing and I taking pictures. 

They had actually started the day there. In the exact place. The two of them had gone fishing just 12 hours earlier. That was when they had seen a small shark swimming around, so they waded in until it was just about hip deep on her.

Brian joked and said, 'Let's not go too far... remember that shark this morning?'

She smiles and nods.

They stop. 

He drops to his knees.

Brian: 'Do you understand what we are doing today?'

Carlisle: (She makes an expression that he has only seen her make a few times in her life. Excited. Even beyond excited. He said she was glowing.) 'Yes, I am getting baptized.'

Brian: 'Are you ready to do this?'

Carlisle: (With a big smile on her face.) 'YES. I AM READY.'

Brian: 'Do you understand what that means? To be baptized?'

Carlisle: 'I believe in Jesus, and after I am saved the bible says that I need to be baptized.'

Brian: 'Yes, In the bible it is a command for us to be baptized after we believe in Jesus.
It is symbol of our obedience. And it is an honor to worship the Lord in this way. Carlisle when we get baptized, we are being obedient.'

Brian: 'Do you understand what you have to do to be saved?'

Carlisle: 'I have to believe in the Lord Jesus as my Savior.'

Brian: (nodding) 'And, how did Jesus become your Savior?'

Carlisle: 'He died for my sins.'

There just simply was no doubt that she understood and that she was ready. Brian sensed the presence of the Lord and the assurance that this was absolutely His will.

Brian: 'I want you to hold your nose and I'm going to dip you back. And when I bring you back up, you will have been baptized.'

He searches her face. She's radiant. 

Brian: 'Are you ready?'

Carlisle: 'Yes.'

Brian: 'Carlisle... Victoria... Edwards. I baptize you in the name of the FATHER, the SON and the HOLY SPIRIT.'

It appeared to happen in slow motion. 

She was down and slowly she was back up.

I was smiling and crying. It was as if heavens door opened for a moment.

Evelyn watched from the shore until she could contain her excitement no longer. She waded through the waves to Brian and Carlisle laughing in joy. 

When she finally made it there, she wrapped her little arms around them both and squeezed.

'Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.' Matthew 6:16

'Peter replied, 'Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.' Acts 2:38

'As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him.' Matthew 3:16

 (Meanwhile, baby...ate sand.)

For me it is the pinnacle of what I want for my girls. To follow RUN after the Lord with their heart, their lives. Unabashedly. 

'To live is Christ, to die is vain.' Philippians 1:21 

So for me, that Friday night was a glimpse into the inexpressible and glorious joy of heaven. (1 Peter 1:8) And God's grace. 

I am SO unworthy of this life. These girls. Brian. Most importantly God's love.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

Carlisle one year later. 

She tells me it is such an honor to have been chosen to be with her Grandmother when she died. I completely agree. To be THAT close to Jesus as someone passes from life to death and enters into the kingdom of the Son He loves. (Col 1:13) It IS an honor. And I tell her that. 

She tells me that she did all that she could do that day. She did the best thing... She prayed. And I rub her hair and hug her and smile. Because I know that I wouldn't have done the right thing, I would have busied myself calling 911 instead of basking in the fact that God is in charge. He has our days are numbered. My Mom's day was August 24, 2012. 

'A person's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.' Job 14:5 

Through it all, Carlisle has become a child-like spiritual giant. Having had to go through the toughest things to grow to where she is. She loves the Lord. And through her struggles has grown to know him deeply and intimately. She wouldn't change that, and I wouldn't either. 

'At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, 'Who then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?' He called a little child to him, and place the child among them. And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.' Matthew 18:1-5

I asked her what she thought about the fact that a year ago she was chosen by God to be with Me Me when she died. And exactly one year later, she was baptized by her own father on the beach.

She said: 'I think my baptism... is my reward.' 

Things my kids will never do

It's late. All is quiet at our house. Worn out little ones. Another full day. Fun with friends, school, a trip to the dentist for this one, fishing with daddy for those two, about 40 or 50 ant bites for another little one who always seems to have the run in's with the pavement or floor or now we can put bugs in that list.  

Even the hamsters are quiet tonight. I heard today that hamsters are nocturnal. No wonder they are on that wheel all night. Round in circles. Or at least thats what the 11 year old down the street tells me.

I've been running around so much after I put all the girls to bed tonight... that I am sweating. Probably more normal than I should admit actually. There's so much to do. So I made a fruit smoothie and am pulling up a chair to treat myself to a little bloggin. 

I'm in 1 Kings. Reading straight through the bible. Since the first day of January. Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 and 2 Samuel... 1 Kings next. Brian is doing it with me. We use the bible app to stay on track. The app is in charge of telling me what's next and even puts check marks beside the ones I've done....there's audio if you like to listen along as you read.  Which. I most definitely do. It's where my girls find me every morning. Earbuds in. Listening. You know girls talk alot. And some of mine are spry, super spry, in the morning. Talking and talking. But for those precious minutes, my focus is on the Lord. I want my girls to find me there in the morning. At my 'Mount of Olives', spending time with our Mighty God. 

God's Word meets me fresh every single day. I cannot get enough. I am so grateful that it's new. Every morning. His word is a lamp to my feet guiding and directing my life, and serves as my flashlight as I guide and direct these little lives that have been entrusted to me. 

Mark 4:30 -32 Again he said, 'What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.'  

I'm tiling and toiling. Stirring up the soil of these girls lives. And tomorrow when I wake up, Ill be tiling and tioling more. Sometimes one of the girls will say, 'Mom what are we doing today?' As if I am going to pull some rabbit out of a hat. Right now we, we are just buckling down, just the same ol' finishing the school year. 
 
There are so many around me hurting. It's a bit overwhelming at times. Let me remind you...God is big. Bigger than anything you may be dealing with. Bigger than your issues. Bigger than your faults. Bigger than your yucky. Bigger than your sin. 

God is on the throne. Thankfully. 

How deep the Father's Love for us. How vast beyond all measure. That He should give his only Son, to make a wretch his treasure. 

Good Soil GIRLS!!! We are beginning again! Another study of a book of the bible. It's going to be a blessing. See www.goodsoilgirls.wordpress.com

I'm a taddy tad traumatized. A few weeks ago, somehow my computer deleted all of my photos. I take this laptop with me on the go sometimes. I don't know if I have dropped it one to many times, or what. 

The guys at the Apple store in Charleston salvaged it. I would have had no pictures of the two little ones entire lives. The thought of that hurts my feelings. 

Brian and I were on a date last night. We honestly didn't do anything 'right' to end up in this beautiful marriage that God has given us. Probably we did most things very wrong. We both consider it to be God's grace. A loving, caring marriage. Christ is our center. He chose to bless us, amidst self centeredness, selfishness, sin, bad choices, regretful decisions and set us apart. I love this walk we have with the Lord. It is that. A walk. We were driving home this week from dance class. I was talking with the girls about the different people in the bible. I was reminding them that the people of the bible were not all good. OR all bad. There were both. But God has called us to be holy. He says, 'Be holy because I am holy.' 1 Peter chapter 1. I think its verse 12 or 13 or maybe 17. Look it up. :) 

Then Evelyn said 'Many people walked with God.' And she said it like that. Walked with God. I said, you are right. Many people did. And many people DIDN'T. To walk with God. What does that mean? She said, 'Reading your bible.' Seeking to follow the Lord in ALL that we say and do. Is she doing that today? Am I? Are you? 

All around me I see, hear, feel marriages falling apart. It's painful. And I know that Satan is laughing. He attacks marriages first. Because if he can unravel that, the rest of the family will follow suit. They will have a much better chance of unraveling if the glue that holds everything together, the marriage, is gone. Destroyed. Annihilated. It's sick. So we keep going on date night every week. We set aside the time and MAKE it happen. We know the importance.  We end up at the same restaurant every week. And I'm not telling you which one, because no one there knows us. :)

And as I feel myself coming out of the baby fog. God has loosened the chains . Thank you Lord. 

The month of March and April have definitely given me plenty to write on. The computer was fixed somehow. And I've still got my pictures of all four of my girls. And now all is double, no triple backed up. So I can rest assured. 

If you've read my blog, you know that after I married Brian all those years ago, I said that I didn't care one thing about having 
babies. 
I thought...They were messy and dirty. 

They always had buggars on their fingers or something smeared on their face. Or they were picking their nose. It was a LOW view of kids in general. Just being honest. It was self centered and sad.

At that time in my life, I was a business girl and a world traveler. I had lots of time for me. For thinking of me. Talking about me. Projecting about little baby me's. I would periodically add to my mental list of things MY children would never do. 

They would not eat their boogers, I wouldn't allow it. I would never take them on an airplane. Parents who do that are rude. 

They would never shout at me in a grocery store, not happening. They would never pick food from under the table or off the floor and eat it. Gross. They would never wear mismatched socks, or wear nutty outfits. They will always look PUT TOGETHER. Best foot forward. They wouldn't roll in the mud. Pigs do that. They would never enjoy Chuck E Cheese, my kids would be WAY more sophisticated than that. And they would never be allowed into a church service until they are like 20...or at least old enough to stay totally quiet...

 Thank you God for saving me. 

Clearly I'd never have a child to throw a tantrum in public...Then. I. 
Had. 
Kids.
Obviously, I had never been around real children.

Some days, my plans are not all achieved...like teaching Viv each of  the 26 letters ...or all the laundry from little girls who love dressing up or not and somewhere in between. Or riding bikes with the girls. But there are so many more days in the week. And for every nutty day these days, I'm getting a good 6 really good days. It's not always like this. Sometimes I am treading water and only one half of my nose is above water, but right now....it's smooth sailing. Thank the Lord. The baby learned to crawl yesterday. So smooth sailing days will soon be a thing of the past. 

I was out the other day for a few hours with no where to go and nothing to do. Brian was gone. I was still amazed that I have four girls to go with me. To do girly stuff with. We walked and talked. And they had a cupcake. Even a pedicure. I see me as I look at them. And yet. They are so different than me in some ways. And of course, different from one another. It couldn't be any more fun watching as the Lord develops each girl into their own little person.

She hasn't stopped talking about this experience. Kids are SO rarely invited to weddings. Well here's the exception. This sweet wedding. My girls names were on the invite. Seriously this may be the highlight of Vivian's three years of life. This is her, awaiting the arrival of the bride. My friend snapped this from across the isle. 

The story goes something like this.

Brian and I want to take the family on a getaway. 
I used to work at Disney. And we've been to Disney a bunch. We love it. It's always ridiculously fun. 

Brian says, 'Disney Cruise.' Period. I love when he's decisive-guy. 
So he goes online and realizes quickly that the week right after spring break is a zillion dollars cheaper than the other weeks. (Reason #2398 we adore homeschool) So, we zip away on a Disney cruise last week. Which would be enough fun to fill little girls happy hearts for a year, but he also booked us excursions. One of them was to this place. I think it's called Dolphinarious or something like that. Dolphins. And your not just admiring them from afar. You're swimming with them. My future veterinarian girl was beside herself, but so were the rest of us. It didn't feel like we were in a small town in Mexico. The company was all so well run. Dolphin trainer spoke English well enough to understand. Sidenote, dolphins are incredibly sweet animals. We got to ride a dolphin as she is torpedoing each of us, one by one, through the water. Even my five year-old. Unbelievable. They are smart, sleek, gorgeous, aggreable, kind hearted. I think it changed Carlisle's perspective. Without a doubt it was something she will remember and look back on FOREVER. She asked me the night we got back, as I was tucking her into bed.
Carlisle: 'Mommy.'
Me: 'Yea Honey.'
Carlisle: 'What is your favorite day in all of your childhood?'
Me: 'Let me think....probably swim team. Swimming with your Aunt Ju Ju....yea... racing against other swimmers my age. I loved it. I loved winning. Why?'
Carlisle: 'Well, I think my favorite day of my childhood so far was swimming with that sweet dolphin.'

Their hair is lighter, their skin a shade darker and their hearts fuller from this experience.

Carlisle

7 1/4 years old. She's lost 8 teeth. She's all legs. She loves Jesus with her whole big ol' heart. She rides her scooter fast. She wears sparkly shirts and loves worms, insects...anything that has a pulse. She loves makeup. She runs super fast. She memorizes scripture with gusto. She reads well but doesn't love it. She'd rather hang out with a small animal of some sort that she's just built a home for. Now that her hair is short, she wants it long again. She doesn't like having her fingernails trimmed. She has a big appetite. She is an early riser. And then likes to talk the ear off of whoever is awake with her. She baits her own hook. And her sisters hooks. She is the best of both worlds.

The new place our family likes to fish and enjoy sunshine. 

The water is a deep shade of blue. But that doesn't matter one way or another. We get to be together. That's what counts. 

(From 2 weeks ago)
I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I am NOT a nervous nelly. I just really am uncomfortable in hospitals.

Brought my laptop for entertainment. Baby is having tubes. It's so hard sending her back with big old nurses and doctors. She took her baby doll. She's so little.

They. So big.

It is moments. Minutes. Maybe 10? He's here telling me that she is ok and that all went well.

I am NEVER, I repeat, never in hospitals. Unless I am having a baby. And I do that without all the hoopla of the anesthesiologists and doctors. Just me and the realness of what I like to call getting a baby from one side of your body to the other side. So, I don't know the deal. The protocol. I am the antithesis of protocol. Ask my labor and delivery nurses. :)

I honestly can't believe that the Doctor met with me in the waiting room. Is that normal? He said she's great. Or is that because she's so little and cute?

So I go to get her. She's in the recovery room. Inconsolable. Being rocked by a nurse who doesn't want to be rocking the screaming baby whose just had tubes shoved in her ear drums...or where ever they shove them. So I relieve the nurse. And I rock my inconsolable one. She's so cute. But so mad. And I feel helpless. Not a great place for me. I like fixing problems. Not rocking them.

She hasn't eaten in forever. She's gonna be so happy to have this bottle. So I stick it in her mouth. Even that doesn't alleviate her irritation. I think its the side effects of the anesthesia. So I strap her back into the stroller and we make our way to the car.

And as I pull in the driveway 15 minutes later. Brian pulls some rabbit out of a hat with crazy faces and nutty-ness and has her get this...laughing. Amazing.

One of the ports that we visited on the cruise was Grand Cayman. Where we Honeymooned 13(!!!) years ago. We got to take our girls to swim with Sting Rays there. Unreal...unbelievable...to think of how young we were and how 5 babies later, our lives have been unearthed. The real living has begun. The humbling, selflessness of raising all these kids will change a person. I hardly feel like the same girl I once was on the island of Grand Cayman. Except the loving Brian part. That's changed too. But its because, there's more. Hardly seemed possible in June 2000 as a newlywed that I could love this one more. 
It's possible. 
I do. 

Baby....And her baby blues. 

Oh.
And.
The one-year old.
Is.
Crawling.

Life is full. 
I'm holding on tight, to each juicy memory, so I won't forget a thing.

1 Thes 2:11-12
'11 For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, 12 encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.'

Live it. Encourage, comforting. Live a life for God.