Her reward

Seems like the weather is starting to change. Even if it's only 8 to 10 degrees. We are in the drive-with-our-windows-down-around-town weather. We love it.

Mom died one year ago.

It still hurts. I still cry. I am HEARTBROKEN that I don't have her.

It's tragic.

My sister and I have decided it will actually never feel better.

It was my oldest, Carlisle, that was there alone with my Mom when she breathed her last breaths. Carlisle was 6 years old at the time. Brian and I were on vacation with just our littlest, Bliss, in CA. Click here for the full story....

It's been a year since that day. It's been a year that my old soul'ed little Carlisle watched alone as her grandmother lay in her bed, in her vomit, dying. Carlisle did what we have talked about over and over...in times of need, cry out to the Lord for help.

And she did.

She has talked very openly of those hours alone with my Mom over the past year. She mentions her constantly. Both she and Evelyn do. They knew that their Grandmother was special.

Once Carlisle even said to me: 'Hey Mama, when you are sad about MeMe and Punkin, you can come and talk to me. K?'

And I have.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It was one of the sunsets at the beach last week that I will NEVER forget. For as long as I live.

My life got a little kiss from heaven.

We'd been at the beach all week. Life was GOOD.

It was our last night, so we decided to go back to dinner at our favorite little hole in the wall restaurant. When we got there, it was already full. They asked if we would mind sitting on the roof.

Mind? Um. No. We wouldn't 'mind'.

We wondered why it was still open on the roof...sunshine, incredible views, cool breeze.

So they sat us there overlooking the ocean. It must have been around 6:00 or 6:30. There was a wedding happening on the beach which, of course, was mesmerizing for my girls.

They sat our family at two tall tables. The girls were excited to be outside. Not a care in the world with the wind in their hair. Waves were crashing, kites flying and of course the wedding. They didn't sit much. They were all over the place, switching seats, ooh-ing and ah-ing.

Finally, Carlisle and Brian ended up alone, right across the table from one another.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Carlisle's Baptism.

He and I had been discussing it for months.

She'd been asking to be baptized for months. We hadn't gotten the green light from the Lord. So we waited.

Until now.

Green light from the Lord.

The time was right. And the time was now.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

So there they were across from each other at the table. Brian and Carlisle.

Brian said to her: 'Mommy and I have been talking...Carlisle we would like for you to be baptized.... TONIGHT.'

Carlisle: 'Really Daddy?' Tears filling her eyes.

Silence....pondering the whole situation...

Carlisle: 'Daddy? Who will baptize me?'

Brian: 'I will.'

Carlisle: 'This is the most amazing thing I've ever thought of.'


Brian: (all smiles and tears)

You know how sometimes the real thing isn't nearly as great as you have it in your mind? Like what you plan for and what you hope for just doesn't pan out.

Well, this experience so far surpassed anything I could have dreamed up. The Lord blessed me that day. Carlisle's baptismal day.

I would say that I can count on my two hands, the days that are most special to me. My wedding day, all 5 of my girls days of birth and now this.

We left the restaurant and drove back to the beach house. The sun was setting, it was gorgeous. The heavens were declaring all of the goodness of the Lord. Our windows were down and the girls were singing.

We pulled in the driveway and walked straight out to the beach. We stopped at the dunes to take a few pictures.

I must have been trembling with excitement or my hands were shaking or something because the pictures are all over the place.

All of the girls were aware that something exciting was coming, they were all jittery. They had never been a part of a baptism. So they had no idea what to expect. But they KNEW this was special.

Brian led the way. He had picked the spot already. 

They walked out holding hands. He said as they walked, they didn't say anything. They both took in the moment... looking around at the water, the sunset...

The other girls and I stood watching from the shore. Evelyn videoing and I taking pictures. 

They had actually started the day there. In the exact place. The two of them had gone fishing just 12 hours earlier. That was when they had seen a small shark swimming around, so they waded in until it was just about hip deep on her.

Brian joked and said, 'Let's not go too far... remember that shark this morning?'

She smiles and nods.

They stop. 

He drops to his knees.

Brian: 'Do you understand what we are doing today?'

Carlisle: (She makes an expression that he has only seen her make a few times in her life. Excited. Even beyond excited. He said she was glowing.) 'Yes, I am getting baptized.'

Brian: 'Are you ready to do this?'

Carlisle: (With a big smile on her face.) 'YES. I AM READY.'

Brian: 'Do you understand what that means? To be baptized?'

Carlisle: 'I believe in Jesus, and after I am saved the bible says that I need to be baptized.'

Brian: 'Yes, In the bible it is a command for us to be baptized after we believe in Jesus.
It is symbol of our obedience. And it is an honor to worship the Lord in this way. Carlisle when we get baptized, we are being obedient.'

Brian: 'Do you understand what you have to do to be saved?'

Carlisle: 'I have to believe in the Lord Jesus as my Savior.'

Brian: (nodding) 'And, how did Jesus become your Savior?'

Carlisle: 'He died for my sins.'

There just simply was no doubt that she understood and that she was ready. Brian sensed the presence of the Lord and the assurance that this was absolutely His will.

Brian: 'I want you to hold your nose and I'm going to dip you back. And when I bring you back up, you will have been baptized.'

He searches her face. She's radiant. 

Brian: 'Are you ready?'

Carlisle: 'Yes.'

Brian: 'Carlisle... Victoria... Edwards. I baptize you in the name of the FATHER, the SON and the HOLY SPIRIT.'

It appeared to happen in slow motion. 

She was down and slowly she was back up.

I was smiling and crying. It was as if heavens door opened for a moment.

Evelyn watched from the shore until she could contain her excitement no longer. She waded through the waves to Brian and Carlisle laughing in joy. 

When she finally made it there, she wrapped her little arms around them both and squeezed.

'Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.' Matthew 6:16

'Peter replied, 'Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.' Acts 2:38

'As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him.' Matthew 3:16

 (Meanwhile, baby...ate sand.)

For me it is the pinnacle of what I want for my girls. To follow RUN after the Lord with their heart, their lives. Unabashedly. 

'To live is Christ, to die is vain.' Philippians 1:21 

So for me, that Friday night was a glimpse into the inexpressible and glorious joy of heaven. (1 Peter 1:8) And God's grace. 

I am SO unworthy of this life. These girls. Brian. Most importantly God's love.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

Carlisle one year later. 

She tells me it is such an honor to have been chosen to be with her Grandmother when she died. I completely agree. To be THAT close to Jesus as someone passes from life to death and enters into the kingdom of the Son He loves. (Col 1:13) It IS an honor. And I tell her that. 

She tells me that she did all that she could do that day. She did the best thing... She prayed. And I rub her hair and hug her and smile. Because I know that I wouldn't have done the right thing, I would have busied myself calling 911 instead of basking in the fact that God is in charge. He has our days are numbered. My Mom's day was August 24, 2012. 

'A person's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.' Job 14:5 

Through it all, Carlisle has become a child-like spiritual giant. Having had to go through the toughest things to grow to where she is. She loves the Lord. And through her struggles has grown to know him deeply and intimately. She wouldn't change that, and I wouldn't either. 

'At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, 'Who then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?' He called a little child to him, and place the child among them. And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.' Matthew 18:1-5

I asked her what she thought about the fact that a year ago she was chosen by God to be with Me Me when she died. And exactly one year later, she was baptized by her own father on the beach.

She said: 'I think my baptism... is my reward.' 

I'm not home yet

HER STORY

The Father, our Heavenly Father, writes His Love Story in us, through us, and for us. To reveal Himself to us. And to others. Besides the Word of God, one of the BEST ways to witness God's precious character, heart and unending love for us is to watch as He writes the stories of Himself through our lives.

Incredible He uses us. Because we are but a mist....

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. James 4:14

Brian was rewarded with a trip to San Francisco. Not just any old trip, his company was footing most of the bill. He said No way, we'll never find someone to watch all of our kids. I said, If I can find someone or someones, wanna try and go? Just get away...like the old days?  

A friend was keeping Evelyn and Vivian. My Mom checked her calendar and gladly agreed to keep Carlisle that week. We selected Carlisle out of all the girls to stay with Mom, because she and Mom are so well suited for each other. Carlisle, our most laid-back, low-key, old-soul of a daughter was going to spend the week with her Me Me. It was genius. They adore their time together. I was elated. BECAUSE, to this day, I think back with incredible fondness on my time with my own Grandmother, Lochie Carlisle, for whom our little Carlisle was named. I went for a week, every summer, to be with my Grandmama, an angel. To think that Carlisle would have that chance alone with Mom was ideal.

Mom is classy, noble, regal, stately. She's ever-loyal, steady, true. She has certain personality traits that made her unique. And other qualities like her gratefulness and appreciativeness that made her almost childlike and innocent.

Brian threw Carlisle's little bags on the guest bed, in Mom's house, when we arrived on Sunday to drop her off. It would be the room she'd stay in all week while we were gone. We all sat down and laughed about our little baby Bliss, who was traveling with us. Her chubby thighs, sweet smile.  Mom commented that; You never would have known that she ever had trouble gaining weight. She really looks great Jennie. And we talked about their events and plans for the week. A museum, swimming, watching hummingbirds in the window, the Zoo, it sounded precious... I told Mom, Don't entertain her. Let her fit into your life. She's gonna love doing what YOU were planning on doing this week. 

I couldn't put my finger on it, but something didn't seem right. Mom was all smiles, Carlisle too...so that wasn't it. I showed Mom Carlisle's new bible. Mom, this is so special. You will be the first to read this with her, it's brand new. She got it yesterday. Will you read it with her? And listen to her read it every night? She said Sure, I'd be happy to.

We gave lots of hugs and kisses, a few more hugs and we were off to Charlotte to catch our flight. As we pulled out of the driveway, I couldn't shake that quiet, but uneasy feeling. I ran back up and handed her Carlisle's Hello Kitty chapstick. She smiled, I smiled and we drove away. Did I hug her? I can't remember.

On our way to San Fran. Someone special and super-precious came along...

  4 months.

I called to check in with the happy two-some everyday, a few times. Things were going great. Day 1, the museum. Day 2 - Carlisle had a fever her body wouldn't shake, so Mom took her to the doctor. She met new friends in the waiting room, got a Z-pack and all good. That night Mom spoke to Julie and told her how much fun she was having with Carlisle and how precious and easy it was to have Carlisle. 

Day 3 Wednesday - The Zoo.

(Found this picture of Carlisle on Mom's cell phone after she died. The only picture from their day together at the Zoo.)

I called in the late afternoon to check in. She told me all about their day. She sang Carlisle's praises. She declared the weather at the Zoo 'heavenly'. Jennie, I can't think of the last time I spent 4 hours at the Zoo. We had a wonderful time. Oh, the weather was heavenly. Just heavenly... She told me that she had a headache and was going to lay down. I told her I loved her, and would talk to her in the morning. We talked for a total of 6 minutes. I called her at 10:27pm to check in one last time and tell her I had put some pictures on the blog. But she didn't answer.

By the time I woke up Thursday morning, I had already missed 2 calls. One from Mom at work and one from my sister.

I called Mom first.

Her co-worker Barbara answered. I actually hadn't looked at my phone before I pushed the button, so I didn't realize I was calling her work number. When Barbara answered, I said Oh Hey Barbara. Is my Mom available? 
Barbara said she wasn't. We hung up.

Barbara didn't explain it at the time, but the missed call on my phone was from her, wondering if I had heard from Mom.

I called my sister.

Julie was quick to the point. Barbara didn't want you to worry since you are in CA, but Mom hasn't shown up for work. We can't get her on the home phone or her cell phone. 

That uneasy feeling. Again. 

I hung up and called Mom on her home and cell phones a million times. No answer on either.

My mind was spinning. I felt dizzy. And sick.

Brian was staring blankly across the room. He was just waking up too. He looked the way I felt.

After calling a bunch more times on both of her numbers, I called Julie back.

She asked me why I was worrying, You're not a worrier Jennie. I'm the worrier.

She was right, I know Julie. This time feels different. This time I WAS worried.

Brian asked me, What would be a logical explanation for this? 

I tried to think of one. They are off on an adventure and Mom accidentally left her phone at home? But that didn't make since, she was supposed to be at work. Things. weren't. ok.

I called Barbara back, she told me, If she's not here in the next few minutes, I'm going to go over to her house.

Brian got up and went straight across the room and sat down at the desk. He was on the phone with USAir changing our flights to leave immediately.

My thoughts were on little Carlisle. On Mom. Praying. 

I continued to call Mom on her numbers. I just KNEW that Carlisle would answer. Mom's home phone is so loud when it rings. Have I ever shown her how to work a home phone? Does she even know that we have a home phone at our house?

By this time, Barbara is on her way to the house. My sister is on the way from Charlotte to Columbia and we are in a taxi on our way to the airport.

We have just enough time to get to the airport, get checked in and go.

Somewhere over Colorado on our flight home from San Francisco.

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. 

Psalm 19:1

Barbara is on the phone as she pulls in Mom's driveway.

Your Mom's car is here.

She moves quickly up to the house. And knocks. A little face comes to the door.

Carlisle? Hi Carlisle. I'm a friend of your Grandmothers... can you open the door? 

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. Philippians 3:7

Hi. She looks up at Barbara and earnestly and honestly says: Um... Me Me is sick today. Um, she's not feeling so well.

Where is she?

She's laying on her bed...

Barbara's footsteps walking down the hall....and opening the door....

Mayo?....    ..... MAYO? .....     MAYO! ...... MAYO!   MAYO!  I'm calling 9-1-1....

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

EMS is there within minutes. They immediately begin work on Mom. Although, she was not conscious then, and never regains consciousness. 

I have no idea where Carlisle is in the house... but somehow I am on the phone with her during this time. I tell her, I know you don't know any of those people, but they are there to take care of Me Me. And I know Mrs Barbara is a stranger to you, but she is a friend of your Me Me's and will be with you until Aunt Ju Ju arrives. Ok Carlisle? 

Ok. 

Pray Carlisle.

I have been. 

Ju Ju will be there soon....ok?

Ok. 

Mom is taken to the hospital. My brother leaves work and goes straight there.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21

I tell Julie Hug Carlisle. Hold her. Be her mother. 

Oh Jennie, I will. That, you don't have to worry about. 

Julie gets to Mom's. Carlisle runs out onto the driveway and into her arms. They stand there hugging, Carlisle doesn't let go.

Brian and I have gotten our tickets and are through security when my phone rings. It's my brother. 

I am standing in the little airport restaurant, staring out the window onto the runway when I hear him say these words....Jennie, it's not good. I just saw the neurologist. Mom had a stroke. The doctor says it was catastrophic. She doesn't want to operate because of Mom age and the severity of the stroke. There is nothing they can do. She will never recover.

I don't know what I said after that. Tears rolled down my cheeks, I wasn't blinking. Just staring. 

Is this really happening to me? 

And it was. It is. 

God himself, who put the stars into the sky, and makes babies in our tummies and moves the waves on the beach...HE was calling my Mom home. 

And I don't blame him. 

Brian and I fly across the country. We arrive 5 hours later in Charlotte. We grab our bags, get our car and drive to Julie's house. She had taken Carlisle back home with her. When we pull up in the driveway, Julie sees us through the front window. I see as she turns and says something to Carlisle. 

Carlisle comes busting out the door screaming 'MOMMY! MOMMY!! MOMMY!!'

And I did exactly what you would have thought. I scooped her up in my arms and held her like a baby and cried.

I had never shown Carlisle 9-1-1. I always told her, if something ever goes wrong, or if someone is here that is not supposed to be, or if I am really hurt and Daddy is not here,  press the red button on the house alarm system. The cops, the firemen, ems, they will all come. Of course, this is all true and good. But she wasn't at our house when tragedy struck. 

We left Charlotte. It's a long drive back to Florence in the dark. Lots of time to begin to uncover from Carlisle all that her little young eyes have seen. I don't want to prod. I want to let things come out in time. So I ask her just a few open ended questions. 

How did you know that something wasn't right with Me Me?

I could tell because she wasn't waking up. And there was something on her lips. They looked black.

Did you hear the phone ringing? 

Yes, but it's not my house, I didn't want to answer Me Me's phone. I knew it wasn't for me. (She was so intently listening to each question and carefully answering.)

Did you know Carlisle... It was ME calling...

It WAS? (Completely incredulous. It was then she turned and looked me in the eyes.)

(I softly say) Yes. And Aunt Ju Ju and Daddy were calling too. 

THEY WERE? ....(deep, quiet thought. I could hear her wheels turning) But, if I had known it was you, I would. have. answered...

Its ok Carlisle. Because what did you do?

I prayed. 

That is ALWAYS the right thing to do. And what did you pray? 

(speaking softly and incredibly heartfelt) That someone would come... That you would come Mommy. That God would take care of me and Me Me....

Did God answer your prayers? 

Yes.

You're right....he did. Did God send someone to help you? 

Yes.

And did Mommy come? 

Yes. 

Carlisle, You did EVERYTHING. JUST. RIGHT.

Mommy?

Yes?

I prayed so hard.

And Carlisle...He heard you.

And then she laid her little head, heavy with thoughts, on my shoulder.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
How does it feel to have your Mom and Dad die? Within just over a year of one another? 

I am grieving. My days are spent quietly reflecting, sifting through memories and trying to begin thinking about what happened. It feels blurry. Like I've taken off my glasses and have bad vision. I am trying to adjust to just imagining my new life without a Mother. 

I am taking time for tears, not for my Mom, but for me and my brother and sister...and 9 teeny tiny grandchildren. Ages 4 months to 6 years. The verse that comforted me today was two words long. 

'Jesus wept.' John 11:35

I long for heaven. I mean I REALLY long for heaven. Carlisle does too. She said to Brian, Hey Daddy. Do you think there is anyway we could all go to heaven at the same time?'

I am searching for answers and I find them. In the word of God. If you don't know the Lord, find him. Open your bible. If it is sitting on your shelf, find it and read it. It is a living, breathing thing. Don't think: 'Poor Jennie. Everyone in her family dies.'

No. 

EVERYONE dies. Period. 

I do not now, and will never say, Why did mom die?

Everybody dies. The bible says it and we know it. 

That's the thing. But where you go after this life....that's the big question.

Let THIS be the phone ringing in your life. 

ANSWER IT. 

PICK IT UP. 

Jesus is calling you to save your life. He does one thing very well, save us from our sins. And we all have sins.

I'm telling you WHO is calling. Jesus himself. 

Now you get to respond.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.  Psalm 84:10

My thoughts are absolutely disjointed. I am NOT normal right now. I am a bunch of random thoughts and emotions that are all over the board. 

But one steady-eddie thought is this...

We are sojourners. We are just passing through this life. We are a mist. This is NOT our home. We DON'T belong here. Truly.

But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends! Philippeans 3:20 - 4:2

Sweet peace in the pain.

___________________________________
The night my Mom had her stroke, 1000's of miles away, I was blogging. God was already preparing my heart for what was to come. And these words, which held weight then, hold even more now...

Exerpt from my Peace from the Father post. 
Dated August 22, 2012.

My peace is from the Father. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Nothing affects me without my heavenly Father's permission. Whatever He allows to happen becomes, For ME, His will for me. If God allows it to affect me, He wills it for me, out of His great love for me, to draw me to Himself.

He is the key to peace in this life. God is the only way to feel calm. Trust Him in everything.

____________________________________

There is INCREDIBLE power in gaining our strength from the Lord. In knowing where our home is. It's what I am teaching my girls. And I have the authority to do that, because I stand on the WORD of GOD. 

A conversation overheard between two little girls.
Evelyn crying: 'I just don't want Me Me to die.'

Carlisle: 'Ev, I know. But we want her to be with Jesus.'

The day after Mom's stroke, my brother, sister, brother-in-law and I were gathered around her, in her hospital room. It was around 4:00pm. Even in her unconscious state, she obviously waited for us all to be there. Together. We arrived and within minutes began praying our guts out over her very still body. And then we said Amen. 

It was moments later, maybe minutes when her heartbeats slowed and slowed... and then completely stopped.

Mayo Carlisle Elliott Anderson died on August 24, 2012 at 4:25pm. 

Brian kept the older two girls up a little later so that I could tell them in person. I drove back to Florence held in the righteous right hand of God himself. 

I pulled in and was met in the driveway by two sweet, happy, smiling, expectant girls. 

Mommy? Are you crying? Why are you crying Mommy? 

We went inside. When I told them, Evelyn immediately began to wail. Carlisle was stoic. She asked a few questions. And quietly processed the answers. And then the tears began to drip out of her completely understanding beautiful eyes.

How cool Carlisle, that you were chosen for this job? What a big deal. God selected YOU to be with Me Me on her LAST day on this earth. YOU were the LAST face that she saw before she closed her eyes and saw Jesus! How cool is that?!?!

She smiled and nodded. And the tears fell.

Carlisle. She had the best day at the Zoo with you. She told me that the weather was heavenly. Did you think it was? 

(Carlisle nods.)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
So here I am. At this very interesting crossroad where life and death collide. 

No Mother. No Father.

I am alone. An orphan. 

But wait. What does God's Word say?

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. Isaiah 45:3

God has summoned me to this place. At this time. To the darkness. But it is HERE that I am finding riches. Galore.

My Heavenly Father is caring for me intently. Loving me. Meeting me. All l have to do is look at the cross. HE is here.

And when I think about where my Mom is and who she is WITH, I am so happy I want to do a round-off-back-hand-spring. I get giddy.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea Psalm 46:2

For Mom: 
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. 2 Timothy 4:7-8 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Mom was planning her week with Carlisle she was actually looking at the calendar right at the day that she would die.

I have to wonder. What would she have done differently? 

What are we doing? How are we living our lives? 

For the believer: Are you spending time with the Lord, yearning and seeking as you grow in the knowledge of Him? 

For the rest: Do you know where you are spending eternity?

If you don't know FOR SURE where you will spend eternity, seek Jesus. 

    *Recognize that you are a sinner by acknowledging your sin. 

    *Ask for forgiveness and turn away from your sin. 

    *Acknowledge that Jesus Christ died for your sins, rose from the dead and is in heaven. 

    *Receive Jesus as your Savior.



Answer His call.



If you have questions about this, email me. jennieandbrian@me.com 

Dad's ONE REQUEST

I love the way Carlisle draws. It is so expressive and so healing.

Her pictures are always of people. Her family. And she ALWAYS draws heaven, or someone from heaven, in her picture. This is the picture she drew in church during Dad's funeral. 'C' stands for Carlisle. 'P' stands for Punkin. My favorite...their shirts with initials on them and the CP 'Carlisle Punkin' in the middle.
(I get emails and messages everyday from friends and strangers asking if you can pass along the blog to friends and family who need to hear Dad's story of redemption and Christ's love. Yes yes yes. Please do. All glory to God.)

Jesus said, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'

Before...And after...

The way I KNOW that I am behind...

I visit my BFF's blog, and notice, in her link list, beside my name...the last time I blogged was 3 weeks ago. BFF's are good for alot of things, reminding me that I need to blog is reason #234.

Seems the summer is HERE. We are in the process of finishing up ev-er-y-thing. The girls had their incredibly, perfectly sweet dance recital. I got my summer fun highlights. The pool opened up. My Monday night Perspectives Biblestudy ended tonight. School is over this week.

But back to the blogging.

It's not that I have nothing to say.

Opposite. I have so much to say that I have deer in headlights...how do I get these feelings out? So I blog.

...I have SO many things circling in my head and heart.

In life.

In grief.

Right after Dad died, Brian scooped me up and took me to Charleston for a long weekend. Just the two of us.

We were in Charleston for the entire weekend, just us. We called it our 'love-cation'. He thought we could use some time away to rejuvenate, to spend time together, to reconnect.

That Saturday, Brian googled downtown churches. Next he looked up 'community churches'. He typed in 'new church downtown Charleston'. Found one. Start up church.The website says, we model the church after the churches in the book of Acts. Perfect.

It's like the church my sister goes to in Charlotte. It doesn't have an actual location. So they rent a space and set it all up. It's held in a school.

We arrived early. Not getting three little girls dressed, ready and hair done. Whew. Simplicity. Simplicity. I just brushed my own hair. Actually I didn't even brush mine. I threw it in a side pony tail.

So with the extra time, we drove around the Citadel, Brian's alma mater. The cadets had graduated the day before. So it was deserted. And beautiful. As always.

When we got back to the church, we were still early.

We slipped down to the front of the small auditorium. Early to church. Oh my gosh. Brian's dream day.

It started. The music was awesome. We sang songs we knew, and some new ones too.

'How Deep the Father's Love'

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory.

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom.

As we were singing, my thoughts, of course, wandered to my Dad. I thought how amazing God was for saving him, especially after a long life of not being faithful to the Lord. I thought how God is in the business of CHANGING LIVES. Exchanging really. Our broken down, sinful lives for new lives in Christ.

We are all saved by His Grace. His goodness. It matters none whether you are 22 or 102. It simply takes willingness to surrender all.

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished.

My thoughts stay on Dad. Saved. Amazing.

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.

Now Dad is there. In HEAVEN. Spending ETERNITY with Jesus. Singing 'Holy holy holy.'

The bible actually says this about those in heaven:

'Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty who was, and is, and is to come." ' Revelation 4:8

A few weeks before he died, Dad had a request.

ONE REQUEST.

He unabashedly asked. Each of us. Brother Andy, sister and I... To help him with his request.

He never asked for ANYTHING... before or after this one request. It was his hearts desire.

LITERALLY. His DYING request.

It wasn't a big request.

What does a dying man wish for?

Money? A vacation? New clothes?

Well of course not.

That's silly. Of. course. not.

And in all actuality, are we not all dying? We don't think of ourselves in the category of 'those who are dying.' Yet we are.

'No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.' Matthew 24:36

We focus on the temporal. We try not to, but we do. Human nature….sin nature.

Dad wanted ONE thing.

He wanted his entire family to gather around him. Lay our hands on him and PRAY. PRAY FOR A PHYSICAL HEALING.

So, we as a family simply had to make it happen. And we did.

There were 11 people in that hospital room that day. From all over the United States. Texas, Michigan, Ohio, North Carolina and South Carolina.

My Dad lay in the middle of the hospital bed. My Mom, his three children, his two siblings, his niece and nephew, and two pastors were there. The pastor anointed his head with oil. And we PRAYED. The kind of prayer where the Holy Spirit descends and the presence of the Lord is there. THERE. If you've experienced it, you know.

We don't remember days. We remember moments.

Those moments, in that hospital room, are now a gift from God. Right up there beside my wedding day and the birth of those four little girls.

God chose to answer our prayer that day in the way that He saw fit. He saved his SOUL. Not his health. His SOUL.

I wonder what it felt like to be my Dad. He knew some about the bible, but was no scholar. How did it feel to walk up to those gates of heaven and be welcomed in, like a King?

This I know for sure: Ressurection is real. Eternal Life is more powerful than death. Light pierces the dark. Christ has overcome the world. I have witnessed His goodness.

Do I cry? Sometimes. With my girls staring at me wide-doe-eyed...yes. Carlisle asked me to read a book. Innocent enough. It just so happened to be the book that Dad bought and gave her in 2006, when she was like 10 seconds old. I think he probably brought it to the hospital the first time she and he met...moments after she was born. It's called 'I Already Know I Love You.'

I read recently that grief interupts EVERY aspect of your life in ways you wouldn't expect. TRUE.

Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness.

It is a sign of being human.

Here's the email I sent to my aerobics friends last night...

My Aerobics Friends and Supporters,

The death of my Dad has put a lot of things in perspective for me.

The main one is, I want a break. A break from obligations and schedules.

Perhaps it's the fact that I have just been through the process of watching my Dad die, from cancer, for the last 5 months and I am raw.

or

Maybe it's simple. I've never just-taken a break from teaching aerobics. Never.

In the last 8 years of teaching at McLeod, I've taught a total of....you ready for this?....over 2000 classes.

For 36 months of that, I was pregnant with our 4 girls. We buried one of them and I returned to teaching 2 weeks later. I broke my foot teaching a Saturday class and returned 3 weeks

later, I had Mono, and each time I had a baby, I returned to teaching when they were 5 weeks-old....and now most recently, I buried my Dad....I have never just 'taken a break'.

It's time.

And it's just for the summer.

I want to be with my Hunk of Burning Love, my girls (ages 1, 3 & 5), my Mom, my sister. I want to lay on the beach, have spend-the-night parties, do mission work, stay in jammies all day, travel, TAKE aerobics classes (on the 1st row....or 2nd row, or BACK row!), read my bible, and rejuvenate! :)

I need this.
My plan is to be sunshine-summer-girl for June, July and August. And, return to teaching in September.

I appreciate y'all. YOU ARE MY JOB SECURITY! :) Cebie is organizing all of the classes and instructors, see the summer schedule for more details.
So, watch out. I'll be rested and ready to kick some bootys! Right after Labor Day.

Of course, I'll be assessable. I'll be blogging and on Facebook, friend me, if you haven't already. Info below.

I love you guys,
Jennie

Grief is the cost of loving someone. Here's an understatement... Not sure how to say just how much I loved him. Boy, I sure did love him. Period.

I don't forget that he has died. But I do pick up my phone to call him, only to realize that I can't. Dad was my go-to guy. If something BIG happened, I'd call. Bounce it off him. Think it through. Feel understood. Feel loved. Hang up and feel connected. To the situation. To him... I just can't do that anymore. And that makes ABSOLUTELY NO since to me.

What was my Dad to me?

• my encourager

• my source of many laughs

• my hair rubber

• my run-ideas-past him guy

• my mood lightener

• my INCREDIBLE dance partner• the one who I am SO similar to
• the arms that embrace and comfort me
• my mechanic and fix-it guy
• the one who ALWAYS cheers me on

You, friends and blog readers are so precious for emailing such encouragement. These are uncharted territories for me. Every bit of it is hard. I am loving my Father and letting him go and holding on tight. It is a feeling of such helplessness and overpowering love. Keep praying. I am too. And I will try to blog more often, so that these posts won't be 2 miles long.

Lastly, from the backseat, one day last week, I hear this...

Ev: 'Mommy. You're my baby.'